Firsts, Seconds and Thirds have a poor match
21st May 2005

Robin Carr

With cricket rained off last Saturday, a hearty few braved the elements and spent the afternoon in the pavilion watching the F.A. Cup Final.

‘Braved the elements’ because it was so cold in the pavilion the newly delivered ice creams were taken out of the freezer to cool down.

Sadly it could hardly be described as an afternoon to remember: the match failed to deliver anything remotely exciting and Jim “I’ve always been a Gooner” Rainey couldn’t believe his eyes as Arsenal failed to have one shot on target and managed only 2 corners to Man Utd’s 14! “I’ve supported Arsenal since I was a boy and I’ve never seen them play this badly,” said Jim, aged 135.

Andy Rennard, who had been hoping to make a welcome return to the 1sts after his three-line-whip absence of last week – “Cricket? You’re not playing cricket, you’re coming to Tescos” – was so bored he only mentioned Watford fourteen times all afternoon.

“This ref is awful”, said Paul Green (who should be able to recognise a bad ref by now), “He’s only booking Arsenal players.”

“I haven’t had so much fun in ages,” said David Mortimer.

As the match groaned on, threatening to send many into a deep coma, Elise Hill came up with the best idea: making pretty patterns with the beer mats.

John Motson said something in his commentary about Arsenal being under financial pressure because of their new stadium. “When I first saw Arsenal,” said Jim, “they were playing in Woolwich. I’m not sure I can stand another stadium move.” (Jim Rainey is 298)

Then some excitement: Craig Peterson took the entertainment to awe inspiring heights with that age old game; trying to flip up and then catch beer mats. After failing at 12 (and showering Elise with them in the process) he gave up. No staying power these Bucks Geordies.

“I haven’t had so much fun in ages,” said David Mortimer.

At half-time Ian Walters announced he was going up to Bellingdon, and everyone –yes, everyone -heard him add, “To get the tea.” So whilst he was gone there was much excitement and clearing of tables as we prepared to tuck in to a Thirds discarded tea. Okay, not the best meal in the world but better than a fourth helping of odd-flavoured crisps and pork scratchings. Mr Walters returned (in time to be part of someone else’s round) carrying only kitbags. “I said, ‘I was going to get the kit’”, he said. Yeah right. And just what did the Walters household eat later that evening, eh?

“I haven’t had so much fun in ages,” said David Mortimer.

Half-time had its merits; the Peterson boys have a new frisbee that, when thrown properly, can reach Madagascar. Saturday’s efforts only managed the 2nd fairway and the pavilion roof, but with practice...

Then the match returned us all to send us back to sleep.

“That ref is awful,” screeched Paul Green, loud enough to be heard in Kiln Lane, “I could do better that that.”

Suddenly pandemonium! Scott Peterson broke his record for flipping up and catching beer mats – making the impossible score of 25 n.o.

“I haven’t had so much fun in ages,” said David Mortimer.

Andy Rennard had a phone call from his wife. His answer to her question was ‘Blissett”, but what was the question and did it explain why he was wearing his Watford shirt?

“That ref shouldn’t have done that,” said Paul Green for the thirteenth time in five minutes.

“What would you have done, Paul?” asked Nigel Hill bravely.

“Well, not that,” was the reply. Answers on a postcard please.

“Arsenal are dreadful,” sighed Gooner Rainey.

“Man U are terrible,” sighed Scott “Call me Rooney” Peterson.

Robin Carr just sighed – it’s been 45 years since Wolves last reached the cup final (and he could describe to you every kick, every move and every goal in precise detail. Next time you see him, you ask. Riveting stuff).

Paul Scholes missed a chance. “Heidur Helguson would have buried that,” said Andy Rennard. Sad when they go like that isn’t it?

“That ref shouldn’t have done that,” said Paul Green to the side door of the pavilion. If ever a door could manage the emotion of ‘Losing the will to live’, this door had it.

Jim Rainey squirmed even lower in his seat as Arsenal continued their blatant attempt to bore Man Utd into submission. “I’ve never seen Arsenal not have a shot before,” said Jim, aged 1,356.

A bet on the penalties threatened to break the tedium but even that fizzled out when no one predicted the right outcome.

And so it was over and we all prepared to go.

“Darling”, said a whispered voice in the corridor, “it’s Blissett here, I’ll be back in five minutes.”

“I haven’t had so much fun in ages,” said David Mortimer. “And isn’t it kind of these two umpires to offer me a lift home in their ambulance?