Ley Hill Thirds vs Phoenix Old Boys, 28th May 2005
--- Down with Censorship! ---
Duncan Mallard
Friends at the Hill, this report is a long time coming after a dispute between the Capitalist Pig Editor Publishing Baron (Holman) and the handsome, debonair, dashing, fearless reporter (Mallard). Suffice to say that freedom of the press is restored (hurrah) and The Ley Hill website will continue to sell viagra and hair tonic online. A compromise that suits all parties. So here we go: A tasty encounter this. How tasty? As tasty as a cheese and pickle sandwich made with Extra Mature Canadian Cheddar, some pickle from the old lady down the road who makes her own clothes, jams, hams, chutnies and pickles that remove several layers of skin from the soft pallate, and REALLY fresh crusty bread. Tasty? Mouthwatering.
Somehow this fixture has taken on a 'grudge' element based on the fact that the thirds once got 'a really good draw at Phoenix' with Sophie Kaeria (no relation to Danesh) and Mortimer Jnr batting out the overs. It makes as much sense as Wycombe Wanderers-v-Colchester being a local derby but that takes nothing away from the fact that The Ley Hill Billies always believe they really can get something out of this fixture. Fools! But with both teams coming off the back of two defeats either side must have felt a win was possible.
Phoenix batted first and with Dave 'Dad' Peterson in action from the Chesham End were soon in trouble as the balding assassin removed Dawkins, Marsh and Stratton (not a firm of accountants) to set the Hill on their way. 'Big' Neil in particular was a prize scalp, since the big fella was a part of the pair that saw off the thirds in the previous fixture twixt these two Goliaths of Village cricket. This was to reckon without the gritty figure of Dickie Sturgess who dug in on a tricky wicket to anchor the Phoenix innings.
Quite how digging in and anchors sit together in one sentence bemuses this writer. As does Pete Lacey who is as wide as he is tall without being fat (a feat Ley Hill players should try to emulate) and scythed his way through a weakened 3rds attack. Phil Goddard deserves special mention for his 36 runs off one over (with Paul Green begging for a wide or no-ball to complete the humiliation) and calls for luminous cricket balls, or satellite tracking to hunt down balls lost in the wood/field/neighbouring county will now be stepped up. As will demands that anyone who can bowl straight and pitch it up doesn't immediately get poached by the first and second XI. I digress. A variety of bowlers were tried, tested and found wanting before skipper Walter brought himself on and quickly removed 'The Sturge' with 'Magnet' Mallard taking a steepling catch at long on. Sturgess gone for 43. Peterson eventually removed Lacey for 101 with 'Village Parson' Ian Walter finally taking a catch. Well done sir! Craig Peterson made it a family five'for by bowling Baldwin with one that kept low, but the Phoenix rose to an unsightly 227 for 9.
The Hill went to mow. 'Magnet' fell after two scorching boundaries. The dapper and suave batsman lobbed one up from Stanborough to 'Big' Neil who held on firmly (a feat that was rarely repeated by the Phoenix fielders all afternoon). Surely Mallard needs to be go back to his customary position of four, which becomes seven after a prolonged visit to the pavilion for 'a rest break.' Duncan Fletcher has less of a headache than Walter when it comes to the batting order. 'Lucky' Terry is rapidly becoming 'Unlucky' Terry and was unfortunate to fall lbw when on 49. Lbw is always debatable; with the likes of Rothwell Senior and (absent) Joel Newell doubly so.
Terry tends to prowl the boundary when upset with the umpires. This season he is a tiger on the field's edge. Wickets continued to fall with Skipper Walter holding out for 22 before falling to the irrepressible Sturgess (stepping out from 'keeping obscurity to take 3 for 25). 'Big' Neil played the part of Paul Green in 'Ley Hill 3rds The Movie' by bowling super slow dibbly dobbly lobsters and returning figures of 3 for 18 off 8. The tail folded (if that's possible) and Phoenix left well fed and with victory tucked under their wings. The Hill would have to look ahead for their first win of the season.
Ley Hill lost by 82 runs
Phoenix: 227 for 9 (Dave Peterson 4 for 51, Ian Walter 2 for 23)
Ley Hill: 145 all out (Terry Rothwell 49, Ian Walter 22)
Man of the Match: Dave 'Dad'
Peterson for his relentless line and length (with wickets to boot) and a handful
of runs (overshadowing much of the rest of the team)
Clown of the Match: Joel Newell for not turning up, since he doesn't like
'home' fixtures.