Dope, fake tan and the Ley Hill urinals

Shock, horror, intrigue, fell deeds, scandal and whippets! All these and more will be laid bare in a major newspaper, (not the Bucks Exaggerator) over the next few days. The Ley Hill Courier's own Tungsten Weathervane heard on the grapevine (oh all right, in the pub) that several Ley Hill
players have tested positive in a doping scandal. After allegations from Bovingdon CC, a completely random and undercover dope test was carried out in Ley Hill's pavilion, using the urinal for secret samples and a hidden camera to identify the culprits.

Investigating, Lord Condon said he had been alerted to the offence after the Ley Hill first and second XI had put together "an unprecedented sequence of victories that could have nothing to do with playing ability whatsoever". The 3rd XI received praise and medals for gallantry.

The mysterious Tungsten Weathervane has been able to secure a list of the offenders and the substances found to be in their bloodstreams. They are published here to enable Ley Hill's players to mount a case for their defence (or to skip the country).

Jon Lown: Massive quantities of creosote.
Verdict: Toughens hands/ reduces the appearance of wrinkles/ preserves bat/ will make individual look like David Dickinson.

Dave Mortimer (left): Northern grit/ Sheffield steel/ bark/ bite/ prune juice.
Verdict: It only goes to show.

Nick Lee: Greene King IPA/ London Pride/ Bombardier Bitter/ Hoegarden/ Tia Maria/ Cherry Brandy/ Shrub/ Lovage/ Absinthe.
Verdict: May cause erratic behaviour/ vomiting/ swearing.

Paul Green aka Packet: Unprecedented levels of Viagra/ testosterone/ Brylcreem.
Verdict: Certain drives will be boosted, others will be nullified/ hair will be visibly shinier/ as will other places.

Ian Walter: Cider/ gravel/ apples/ wood shavings/ rabbit droppings.
Verdict: No change in performance. Bit strange though.

Denis McCarthy: Aspirin/ Beta-blockers/ Canesten.....(etc etc D-W)...Xanthum Gum/ Ylang Ylang/ Zooplankton.
Verdict: Will crispen the cover drive and make bowling deadly and 'magically' accurate. No evidence to back this up to date.

Andy Rennard: Molten lead.
Verdict: May argue with umpire/ bowler/ team mates/ tea lady/ wife/ dustmen etc.

Will Holman: Butter/ sugar/ flour/ cocoa powder/ salt/ bicarbonate of soda.
Verdict: Should rise to the occasion and smell rather nice.

Tim Kaye: Razorblades/ Stanley knives/ assorted weaponry.
Verdict: What a handsome and dapper man Tim is don't you all agree?

Kevin Phillips (right): Beer. Strangely no blood was found in the alcohol stream.
Verdict: the hangover will be spectacular in about 30 years time. No visible effect for good or ill on batting or bowling. Fielding may be a tad lax.

Chris Jones: Valium/ mogadon/ Smarties.
Verdict: Prone to gloomy periods alleviated by spasmodic tick. (May look like leg spin bowling)

Steve Jones: See above. Only without the tick.

Brian Puddephatt: Night nurse/ district nurse/ paisley shirts/ beer. And more beer. And yet more beer. (The sample jar, which takes 30 litres overflowed at this point.)
Verdict: Placid looking temperament belies vicious streak.

Keith Strickland (left): Embalming fluid/ whisky/ hair tonic.
Verdict: Well preserved with oaky overtones.

Graham Harrison: Rubber/ Vaseline/ Brut/ Old Spice.
Verdict: A lethal cocktail. What it will do is anyone's guess.


The story will be all over the national press tomorrow. In the mean time, Dave Peterson has vowed to wreak revenge on Bovingdon and 'anyone else that stands in our way this season.' The veins on Dave's neck stood out quite visibly at the press conference, Police are due to question him when he comes down off the ceiling. The message is simple fellow Hillians...keep an eye out for strangers in the Gents, and watch out for anyone taking the p***.