The Glorious Thirds

The Thirds have nurtured such Firsts and Seconds regulars as Will Holman, Ian Birkett, Sohail Khan and Steve Jones, but the playing experience remains a surreal one. Duncan Mallard has turned out for the Thirds - and was profoundly affected by his ordeal.

Dave Mortimer took a deep breath, hitched up his trousers and in his best Yorkshire accent uttered the famous words: 'If you win the toss, bowl. If you think the strip looks good to bat on first, bowl. If you're in any doubt at all, think long and hard....then bowl.' Thus have the Glorious Thirds always played. Batting second is just one of those things, like the up and downness of the sun and the in and outness of the tides. Inexorable, implacable and several other impressive looking words. Another solid fact that you could set your watch by was the sight of the third eleven returning to the pavilion with tales of either losing by just two runs to Phoenix Old Boys or being battered by Middlesex Women 7th XI until the score was simply an irrelevance. But last year that all changed.

Dave Mortimer (Club President after a bloody coup, Thirds Captain after a night of the long knives, and all round good egg because I don't want a severed horse's head in my bed tonight) was absent. At times like this a team can really go to pieces. And bits. But since the Thirds truly are a bits 'n' pieces kind of team the mood was more resigned than fatal. Tim Kaye however had a gleam in his eye. He stepped forward and in his best Cockney accent said: 'Right you jokers, I'm skipper today and don't forget it unless you want to end up upside down on a meat hook. You get my point?'   We all got his point.

Up at Bellingdon Kenilworth arrived. They looked useful in the way that a man with artificial limbs looks athletic. I think we won the toss. We bowled. Young Mr Puddephatt was in some sort of black mood and took to uprooting stumps by running up, loose change clanging in his pocket, and looking hard at them. Paddy similarly played chin music to the batsmen and the 'change' bowlers, notably Forest, mopped up the tail end. I wasn't allowed to bowl my stock ball 'the beamer' because Captain Kaye had some bizarre idea about winning and they were out for 98 if I remember rightly...which normally I don't.

In goes Kaye (pictured, right) muttering evil Cockney words under his breath. He is applauded to the crease by the opposition. We can't hear what he say to them but they fall silent and edge away clutching their manly parts with fear etched into their faces. And so it goes. Ley Hill bat and, unusually, do not collapse to five all out after a promising start. Bizarrely we win...for the first time in five years. Five years! Several players faint, some are hurt (me when Pud's dog bit me) but most are just stunned. Also we are not believed when we return to the club. But this year we have something to live up to and Kenilworth have someone to fear. We're all just waiting for Dave Mortimer to take a holiday.