The Mystery of the 'Guernsey Grip'

Denis McCarthy

Following extensive investigative work, including studying hours of video footage (much of it on Super8!), covert eavesdropping, excessive (and yet to be reimbursed) palm-greasing and being bored rigid, and generally listening to people drone on at the bar. It can now be revealed that the secret of Andy Rennard’s batting prowess (and for all I know – bowling prowess as well!), can be attributed to the ‘Guernsey Grip’! This once taboo method of gripping the bat was thought to have been lost to the winds of time as references to the ‘Guernsey Grip’ are impossible to find in any modern day coaching manual. Indeed mention the term to any veteran cricketer (old enough to know better) and they would insist that such a perverse technique was surely banned from use, contrary to the laws of the game!

But Mr Rennard, Ley Hill’s ‘Don Juan’, openly flaunts its use and is happy to demonstrate this bizarre (and frankly impossible to copy) grip. He does however refuse to acknowledge any similarity of his style to the ‘Double G’, nor any association whatsoever with any of the Channel Islands, insisting he was born near Leeds! Why then does his father live there? Why did he marry a Welsh girl from the valleys? Why is he always the chef at LHCC barbeques?

Further association with the Channel Islands is plainly evident watching the Ley Hill’s ladies’ man running between the wickets. Here he obviously adopts the ‘Alderney Amble’ where running excruciatingly slowly gives the opposition fielder the illusion that Andy and indeed time itself have stopped and there is no need to return the ball with any haste.

Why should we worry, you ask dear reader, if the LHCC Casanova is fixated with all things Channelian? Well it may interest you to know that our club captain the Bronzed Adonis, Jon Lown is concerned enough that, forgetting his dual role as Club Treasurer (and actually spending some money!), he has commissioned the services of Iain ‘Jumbo’ Stewart. Working under the frankly ludicrous cover of re-wiring a house (there is no truth in the rumour that it is a tax haven for a certain Mr M. Harman) ‘Jumbo' has been secreted (if that’s possible?) on a no-expense spared, two week mission to Guernsey, solely to unearth the secret and any possible benefits of the ‘Guernsey Grip’!

Riding high at the top of the club’s batting averages, it’s obvious that the ‘Double D’ is determined not to let the ‘Double G’ topple him. Watch this space!