Packet In!

New club member Denis McCarthy recently sent the following email to lhcc.org.
Dear Mr. Editor, as a relative newcomer to the club, I am intrigued at some of the nicknames appenged to my fellow members. Would it be possible to list those you are able to print and their origins (to determine whether those concerned will be offended by their use!).
We are happy to oblige.
 

Brewer, Keith - Frothy
A nickname coined in a Bucks Examiner report, comprising a simple pun on Keith's surname. However, it could equally apply to the bubbling culture left on Frothy's batting pads after an hour at the wicket.

Cherry, Dave - Lofty
A real schoolboy nickname, pertaining to the fact that Dave Cherry is not very tall. Such is the ubiquity of the moniker that Andy Rennard once remarked, after knowing Lofty for two years, "who is Dave Cherry?".

Green, Paul - Packet
This is a family web site, so let it just be said that Paul’s nickname does not relate to the packets of crisps he sells behind the bar. Paul has also been dubbed ‘Bobby Sands’ after he refused to eat tea, protesting against the raucous behaviour of his team-mates. Murals such as this (right) have sprung up on buildings across the estates of Chesham in salutation to Paul's sportsmanlike sacrifice.

Helm, Gary - The Third Mitchell Brother
Shaven-headed Gary (left) bears a striking resemblance to Phil and Grant Mitchell from Eastenders - and looks like he has the same potential for violence too.

Holman, Tom - Buckets
Tom is regularly one of the top outfielders for catches at Ley Hill, but he has been unable to shake off a nickname based on leaks and spillages.

Holman, Will - Pieman
Will has not always possessed the svelte, sylphlike figure you see today. In his teenage years, bingeing on a diet of lager, kebabs and delicious pastry slices, Pieman’s waistline swelled to 38 inches, and he had a chest worthy of any 2^nd team scorer of the John Caple era. His reputation was firmly established after, while lying down to take a break at the fete in August 1997, a sharp-witted companion began charging children 20 pence a time to play on this unusual ‘bouncy castle’.

Jones, Chris - Helicopter
Chris has developed a legendary batting style that owes nothing to balance and everything to the heaviest bat in Buckinghamshire. Brutally effective and one of Ley Hill’s most entertaining batsmen, Chris nonetheless has gained a reputation for spinning round 360 degrees and sometimes collapsing in a heap.

Jones, Steve - Chopper
Although at first glance this nickname might more appropriately be applied to Nick Lee, it does in fact relate to Steve’s approach to football being that of a massive chopper. Cricketers in Bushey still recall a performance from Steve in an impromptu kick-about that would have left the legendary Ron Harris himself shaking like a girl.

Kaye, Tim - RIPPER
... to the denizens of the Ealing area. Also known as Sir and Killer to his pupils.

Khan, Sohail - Spooner
Big-hitting Spooner - currently enjoying the company of chickboys in the Philippines - bizarrely picked up this title in recognition of his style of playing table tennis. A sports teacher at Chesham High School (the one who let all the school's cricket equipment rot in a shed while promoting tennis and athletics) believed that Sohail was 'spooning' the ping pong ball, and the name stuck.

King, Hertford
No nickname required for well-spoken Hertford; so-called because his family owns the entire county of Hertfordshire.

Leadbitter, Martin (pictured, right) - Texas Pete
Martin bears a striking resemblance to Superted’s nemesis, Texas Pete. In a variation on the character’s catchphrase, Mart can often be heard shouting “damn you Ump” as he is again dispatched, LBW, playing across the line.

Lee, Nick - Sick
Nick gained this moniker after an incident involving eight pints of Wadworth 6X. Some have also directed this term to the smell around Nick after he spends a night at the Delhi Durbar and squats to face the opening delivery the next day. 

Lown, Jon - Flapper
This name was attached to Jon many years ago when his tendency to flap when batting and fielding was first noted. More recently, Jon has been likened to TV host David Dickinson and Adonis, the tanned lover of Aphrodite.

Martin, Rob - Porno
Legend has it that Rob Martin was once set to star in some sort of made-for-Channel 5 movie. Whether this is true, Rob certainly seems to be in training for his big break, and we are confident that he has an ample collection of material from which to draw guidance.

McCarthy, Denis - The Menace
In recognition of Denis' brooding and threatening presence in the field. Also reflects his value to his own side in the top order. Also known as MAGIC after a particularly 'Copperfieldesque' hand gesture to a departing batsman (who had a selection of names for our man which, unfortunately, were inaudible except to a bat and a handful of dogs who all covered their ears to the profanities).

McLaughlin, Mike - The Big Yin
Mike is a Jock.

Mortimer, Dave - Mort, Morty
His coin is the kiss of death whichever way it falls.

Ottaway, Craig (pictured, left) - Jimmy Krankie
Wayward paceman Craig bears a striking resemblance to Scottish TV character wee Jimmy Krankie. Sometimes after he is removed from the bowling attack after three overs, Craig also sounds something like the whining Scot.

Ottaway, Paul - Fat Bloke
A self-explanatory name tag as Paul has for some years been bogged down in his very own battle of the bulge. Religious fanatics in Jordans were literally ‘quaking’ prior to a fixture a few years back when Paul removed his shirt, leaving just a small pair of circa-1982 football shorts.

Parkhouse, Dave - Wally
Named after the star of the children's books and TV show, 'Where's Wally?'. With the Seconds flying high for the first time in several years, Parky (pictured right) can no longer disappear in a field of nobodies.

Peterson, Dave - B.O.B.
The first letter stands for Bald, the second for Old and the third - well, it's not Bowler.

Peterson, Scott and Craig - The Rugrats
The Peterson boys were dubbed after the children's cartoon favourites when their father used to bring them along to games and allow them to crawl and run wild on the pitch, generally getting under everyone's feet.

Phillips, Kevin - Ferret
In his youth Kevin had an uncanny knack of finding the ball after it had been dispatched into the trees by some fortunate opposition batsman. The name is more appropriate now because Kevin can sniff out the ladies from 500 yards distance.

Pradhan, Karan - The Holy
South Asian cricketers study Karan's textbook bowling technique just as closely as they do the religious tome they named in the honour of the softly-spoken youngster.

Puddephatt, Brian - Pudd
A brilliantly original nickname, chosen after much deliberation

Rennard, Andy - Ladies' Man
Friendly Andy is firmly established as a mums' favourite, so much so that two female pensioners walk to Ley Hill every week just to catch a glimpse of the number three bat. Maybe they would not be so enamoured if they heard some of Rennard's comments in the slips.

Rothwell, Terry - Lucky
The Thirds were playing in Slough under the stewardship of Jim Rainey, when a car full of thugs (Seconds) turned up and abducted Will Rothwell for their game over at Wycombe. A replacement was promised and Terry turned up having "not played for about thirty years". Terry then inspired the team to a slim defeat - pretty epic by the Thirds' standards. He's been Lucky ever since.

Stewart, Ian - Jumbo
Pint-sized Ian cannot understand how he came to be known by this nickname, which even his own family are now thought to employ.

Strickland, Keith - Straight Face
Keith has become a Sunday stalwart, keeping wicket and posting a succession of large totals. Despite showing excellent wit, he has also developed a face for all occasions - and that face is very straight indeed.

Thompson, Rob - The Refridgerator
Rob (right) picked up this name after a few uncompromising performances on the field and because we imagine he would steamroller anything in his path. His shorter moniker is a succinct and entirely accurate "Unit".

Viney, David - Competitive Dad
Named after the Fast Show character (left) of the same name. David is a hard taskmaster to his sons Rob and Andrew, regularly dishing out a furious tongue-lashing if they return to the pavilion with anything less than 50 to their name.

Webb, Ian - Forrest Gump
Unlike the Tom Hanks character, Ian is in fact an academic genius. However, he does share Gump's tendency to run, bandy-legged, aimlessly into the distance. This happens frequently as Forrest is a Thirds regular. 

Wilkinson, Paul - The Claw
An absolute legend in Ley Hill circles, The Claw was so called because of his unique bowling style, in which he grasped the ball in the same style as a wild animal would attack its prey. Paul’s fielding techniques were similarly savage, culminating in an unprecedented attack on team-mate Scott Mackay just as the latter pouched a catch in the outfield.