Oligarch Takes Over LHCC - Big Plans For 2004

Hertford King reports from the People's Republic of Ley Hill

Paul Packetovic, the eccentric Russian billionaire, has finalised his audacious takeover of Ley Hill Cricket Club. "I have always loved the sound of willow on leather and I am determined to develop Ley Hill into the biggest club in the world", blasted the tycoon. Packetovic, who made his money in the controversial privatisation of the Russian pet-food industry in the 1990s, has settled into a glamorous pad in an exclusive estate in Chesham.

David Mortimer, the former President of LHCC, speaking from his new 20-bedroom villa in the Cayman Islands told us, "following our recent meeting in an underground car park at Moscow Airport, Mr Packetovic's commitment to the development of Ley Hill Cricket Club cannot be questioned".

Packetovic's handsome features were obscured behind a huge pair of dark glasses as he outlined his initial plans for the club at a press conference in the Village Hall:

Create a World-wide Cricket Circus

Details of the teams that would take part in the new cricket circus will be announced soon Packetovic confirmed, but in a new innovation, gambling by all players on their own matches would be compulsory. "We must create a level playing field for all the athletes so that the integrity of the game can be ensured." The only condition was that all gambling would be administered by 'The Consortium', a group of businessmen with 'unimpeachable credentials' based in Delhi, with whom Packetovic has become friendly after an extended visit to a 'refreshment emporium' in Bangkok last year.
 

Develop World Class Facilities and Innovations

This centres around the development of a new 100,000-seat stadium that will "make the new Wembley look like a pile of s**t!". In a world first, there will be under-floor heating for the stands powered by the nuclear waste storage facility to be created in the basement of the new stadium. Packetovic stated,  "the happiness of the fans is our main priority and following the twinning of Ley Hill with Chernobyl, where I am regional governor, we will be given 10,000 tons of nuclear waste free of charge! The players will also have glow-in-the-dark hot water guaranteed in the showers for at least the next 25,000 years!" This is a major attraction for many players, tired of having their hot water expended by prematurely-dismissed opening batsmen.

Having seen the success of 20/20 cricket, Packetovic has also decided to improve the entertainment value for the fans. He has decided against cheerleaders as "too fugging boring", and has created a new concept - lapleaders. "They will stimulate and encourage the fans to make more noise." Packetovic enthused, "a lapleader will be assigned to every season ticket holder of the club for the duration of each match, and it means that there will be more ladies to watch the cricket. To improve the atmosphere at day/night games we have also decided not to have floodlights, but to have giant glitter balls on every corner of the ground. This will also help the lapleaders feel more at home."

New winter training facilities in Siberia will be developed. Packetovic, who is governor of the region, argued: "Why go to Australia in the winter? In Siberia, it only rains for 3 days a year, the permafrost is 3 meters deep and the ground is very similar to the hard wickets of the southern hemisphere. "This innovation", Packetovic assured us, "will ensure excellent practice facilities, as well as motivation for those players not able to perform to the best of their ability during the summer season. If any players are still suffering from a loss of form at the end of their 're-education', they will be given 20-year contracts to play for my Gulag XI in the local Stalin League." They may also be considered for transfer to Bovingdon.
 

Bring the best players in the world to Ley Hill

Packetovic said that he would be looking to bring the best players in the world to Ley Hill, and that more details of the signings would be communicated as and when deals were done - so watch this space!
 

Local reaction to the plans

When asked to comment on the plans, Parish Councillor Cocklecarrot said, "we may be getting the best stadium and the greatest cricket team in the world, which will crush all comers for decades to come, but we are concerned about the impact on the level of rubbish that would be left by 100,000 fans in the bin outside the Crown".