A Potted History of the Potting Shed
Duncan Mallard writes

Alvin Kallicharan once rated it "the poxiest little tin shed I ever did change me keks an ting in ever, and dat's sayin somtin man, cos I as played in the subcontinent and the Shetlands." It only takes casual remarks like these from a former West Indian great to galvanise the Ley Hill Organising and Cakes Sub Committee into action. In a trice a benefit game was organised to raise funds in order to transform the Chicken Shed, or Pavilion as it was laughingly known, into a world class venue capable of hosting international sports events and rock concerts. The F.A. were interested, The Rolling Stones made a provisional booking and plans were drawn up which included a sliding roof, drop-in pitches, mixed shower rooms and a mechanical player called a Polgreen (which was later scrapped because of a suspect bowling technique).

The architects were engaged and a contractor arranged to build what would have been village cricket's most outstanding venue with a capacity of over 200,000. Unfortunately it was here that the Parish Council stepped in and vetoed the project quoting an ancient by-law from the rule of King James that states "...and whosever blocketh the passage of ye irascible olde lady, and preventetheth her from egsersising her dogge on parish londe, lette himme be caste oute from ye Parishe and expunged from alle memorie"... which goes some way to explaining why the 3rd XI never play home games.

Undaunted by failure the sub-committee reduced the plans to a more modest shack and from the ashes of 'The Harman International Stadium' arose the phoenix of 'The Mortimer Arena' complete with casino and sauna. These later vanished in what Morty called "totally plausible and believable circumstances" involving Romanian immigrants and a lowloader. The charges were later dropped.

But onwards to the present. The outfield was for a long time a death trap. At least three opposition teams (who weren't given access to the special maps) lost fielders out in the deep. The crevasse that existed in the far corner is believed to have accounted for four men, a van, livestock (various) and a beige thermos flask. The variable bounce of a ball by the road is said to have changed Nigel Hill from a bass baritone to a counter tenor and to have dislodged Packet's cricket sense (although that is probably just a cruel joke). With imminent danger threatening the bunch of colts that were expected, it was decided by Dave Mort (pictured, left) that what was needed was "a level playing field for all." He also said that we should be "tough on bumps, tough on the causes of bumps." Dave is expected to enter politics soon. The earth was ripped up, the grass torn out and the thermos flask rediscovered (its contents still hot) and it was left to Nick Lee to oversee the relaying of the pitch. Unfortunately he did this from the window seat of The Crown and took to walking around the ground after seven pints in the dark. "Yeah, thatsh level..." he slurred before falling down a crevasse and into a van.

The patio area has been extended too. Rumours circulated by Ian Walter that there are "probably a few bodies under there" have been violently suppressed and have led to minor police investigations which got about as far as the bar. The promised water feature, however, has not appeared. Andy Rennard was heard to say that "I only wanted a fxxxxxx fountain, you know a nymph or something, is that too much to ask?"

The future, however, promises floodlights, exotic dancers and draught beer if the minutes of the last committee meeting are anything to go by, but we can at last say we really have a ground to be proud of. (Unless you're in the 3rds in which case it's Bellingdon or bust.) The rallying cry is now officially "a Test Match by 2008....and a water feature!".