Tea Watch 2005

The Tea Watch Spy writes

Haute Cuisine at Ley Hill & Al Fresco at Bellingdon

It is with great pleasure dear reader that I dust off the old Adler Mk II (circa 1935) and make the conservatory resound once more to the hammering of the mother of pearl keys (‘under-score’ still broken and ‘F’ always jamming!) as ‘Tea Watch’ once again hits the paper stands.

Ley Hill - 9/10
Spring Bank Holiday saw a new take on the ‘President’s Game’ at Ley Hill as the young pretenders (thinly disguised as a ‘Sponsor’s Eleven') took on the old gits (even more thinly disguised as the President’s Eleven) and the buzz was that we were to be treated to a cake fest, the like of which never before seen at Ley Hill!

Top Hat Marquees kindly provided very fetching, pink shirts for their players (some of the more frail protagonists also donned matching pink fleeces until they could stand the ribbing no longer and discarded them to suffer in silence!) whilst the President’s merry men ran out in slightly more somber, royal blue equivalents (though it must be said certain team members struggled with the ‘one size fits all’ concept and ended up looking a sad parody of the England stretch-fit rugby shirts!).

The haut cuisine tea was the brain-child of the wonderful Eleanor Phillips and her enigmatic husband Bill and dear reader it was a sight to behold! Melon, asparagus and ham. Bajees, samosas and pakora. Prawn toast, gala pie and chicken. Cheeses, sausages and nibbles. Home made cakes, flans and scones. Banana bread, toffee and chocolate slices.

Bill’s proud boast was ‘not a sandwich in sight!’ and he was (some might say not for the first time!) right. Everyone’s eyes lit up like 500w lamps (professional joke!) and both teams tucked into the spread with gusto (knives and forks not being necessary).

So dear reader, you are no doubt thinking that this must be the first, perfect 10 to be awarded for a cricket tea by your intrepid reporter? On the face of it, to the lay man, to the uninitiated, at first glance (any more clichés?) it was indeed a superlative effort but……..

As you are aware, Ley Hill CC are applying for Clubmark accreditation and one of the many stringent conditions of this award is full compliance with EEC Directive 3984521619 Provision of Cricket Teas for Sponsored Games (in Buckinghamshire) on Bank Holidays. This 3682 page document is often irrelevant due to the concise nature of its subject matter (and the fact that we couldn’t give a *!^x”! about anything that comes out of Brussels) but unfortunately on this occasion, Eleanor’s piece-de-resistance (please read in a French accent for effect) was firmly under the jurisdiction of the very defined guidelines of this tome.

So dear reader, to condone such an offering by awarding maximum ‘Tea Watch’ marks would undoubtedly jeopardise our Clubmark application. Let me elucidate.

EEC Directive 3984521619, Provision of Cricket Teas for Sponsored Games (in Buckinghamshire) on Bank Holidays, page 2274, ‘Cake & Pie Definitions By Content’, paragraph 6 states:- the displayed names (or labels) of cakes and/or pies (for definitions of cakes and/or pies see EEC Directive 736081936 Definitions of Cakes and/or Pies, available from HMSO‘s everywhere) shall be coherent with the main (flavour imparting) ingredients of that said cake and/or pie so as not to mislead/deceive a perspective consumer.

So where as the ‘bannoffee pie’ conforms with this regulation (Bananas and toffee, get the idea?), unfortunately ‘Gala Pie’ does not. There are no galas in Gala Pie. Bizarrely Gala Pie is full of pork and hard boiled eggs. Obviously ‘Pork and hard boiled egg pie’ is a bit of a mouthful (excuse the pun) but ‘Eggork Pie’ or ‘Porhabegg Pie’ are nearer to the directive’s requisite formula.

The other glaring contravention concerned the cheese and onion on-a-stick stuck-in-a-cabbage things (what ARE they called?).  

EEC Directive 3984521619, Provision of Cricket Teas for Sponsored Games (in Buckinghamshire) on Bank Holidays, page 3012, ‘Use of Cocktail Sticks, Health and Safety Guidelines’, paragraph 2 states:- When no other alternative is feasible/ practicable/ financially viable, the use of cocktail sticks (for definitions of cocktail sticks see EEC Directive 448295301 Definitions of Cocktail Sticks, also available from HMSO‘s everywhere) shall only be permitted if both ends of each and every stick to be used has been arissed using (minimum) 300 grade abrasive medium. This process can if wished, be undertaken after the cheese/onion/cheese and onion have been pierced or if time does not permit the pre-drilling of the foodstuff with a suitably sized pilot hole. This process is to prevent the accidental puncture of human flesh in the rush not to be left with the piece of Edam coupled with the gherkin and the surreptitious pocketing of used cocktail sticks for future use by terrorists in plane hijackings.

So to conform with Brussels and to keep our hopes of Clubmark accreditation alive, Eleanor and Bill’s magnificent tea can only be awarded a well deserved 9 out of 10 but don’t be disheartened Mr. and Mrs. Phillips, try again for the perfect 10 but remember to have EEC Directive 3984521619 to hand when you do.

Bellingdon - 8/10
Conversely the tea at Bellingdon on June 11th did not fall under the remit of Eleanor and Bill’s nemesis and because of a village hall double booking (the third time for as many games – is there a precedent being set here?) a picnic ‘al fresco’ was on the cards!

By way of apology the kind Mr. Maurice had arranged for a delightful gazebo to be erected in front of the old pavilion transforming the setting to almost picture post-card twee-ness! An urn was supplied for boiling the water and it was business as usual for the mighty thirds!

Business as usual that was until ‘the parson’ lost the toss and ‘The Hill’ were put into bat! Unheard of for the thirds. This reversal of roles obviously affected the more senile members of the squad as ‘Lucky’ Terry Rothwell had to be physically restrained from going home after his dismissal, unable to comprehend that he couldn’t leave as we hadn’t fielded yet!

So for some players, tea time couldn’t come quick enough. Once the sandwiches were unwrapped, the home made cakes displayed and the tea poured, the mighty thirds and their guests from Staines lounged in the afternoon sunshine and listened to the sound of circling Easy

Jet 737’s (lost-according to ‘lucky’ Terry, the pain from kicking a full toss with his big toe obviously causing mild delirium) and Dave M bemoaning the fact that all the cheese and pickle sandwiches had been eaten before he’d spotted them.

The strawberry and cream sponge, which disappeared in 15.6 nano-seconds was voted an early contender for cake of the season and the home made mushroom quiche and shortbread biscuits were a real treat!  

Overall the tea was excellent, as was the cricket, the mighty thirds went on to win!

A thoroughly deserved 8 out of 10.