Time Team visits Ley Hill

Duncan Mallard writes

Incredible news - it appears that cricket was invented at Ley Hill! The recent excavation of the outfield revealed the remains of various assorted and exciting items, including (but not limited to):

• A Saxon King, with chariot, armour and golden helmet (this is now in the 1st XI kit bag)

• A Tudor codpiece (now in the 2nd XI kit bag)

• Assorted erotic art from the Netherlands (now in Liam O'Neill's kitbag)

• An unfinished experimental curved Roman Road running right around the boundary

• A German trench from the Great War (1981) still in use

• A Greek Temple, built over the remains of a Norman Church

• 12 empty Hooch bottles (believed to be from the twelfth century)

• Two red Nissan Micras

• A bra

• Panties

• The third XI circa 1944 (replete with handlebar moustaches and saddlebag sideburns)

• A missing Underground station

• A giant Christmas cracker

• Dave Mortimer

But most exciting of all was the discovery of 14 skeletons all perfectly preserved in volcanic ash. From this we can date the bodies to the precise eruption of Mount Harman in 860 AD which destroyed the thriving sea port of Ley Hill and moved The Crown (formerly near Slough) to its current position next to The Swan. The stiffs by themselves were remarkable for being in poses identical to the current second XI on the field of play. For instance stiff 7, nicknamed 'Jonesy' by the Ley Hill Anthropological and Cake Baking Society, was discovered in what could only be called the 'leg spin' delivery pose (either that or the man was suffering from an attack of piles at the moment of incarceration). The fragments of grey moustache and specs were an added bonus.

On the boundary (and appearing to be in a desperate yet fruitless diving pose) was stiff 4, or 'Peterson' as he has been labelled. Stiff 6 obviously took some time to be covered by volcanic matter because of its ample size and has been named 'Thomo' by the society, who were keen to point out that he appeared to be in the process of 'warming up' and that he probably had a 'nifty little outswinger in him'. In a curious position near the middle of the pitch, looking for all the world like a stunned owl, was stiff 10, affectionately known as 'David Caractacus Ignatius Parkhouse.' The Society have posited that the curious loose headed nature of the body is an early form of the 'not out' gesture which still survives on the Hill today.

The proof of the pudding came in the remainder of the bodies who were found to be: 'lounging around looking at the sky, picking their noses, mucking about and showing no interest in what was taking place in the middle whatsoever.' (From 'Cricket's Beginnings' written by Tungsten Weathervane price £19.99 available in all good bookshops...and in many bad ones too.) This really put the seal on the fact that what we were looking at was the true genesis of Cricket.

This incredible find predates the third eleven scorebook found at Broad ha'penny down which has been dated back to 1741 (but is believed to be a fake because in it one Timm Kayye is credited with a catch). It outstrips the petrified monks of Neimeggen, thought to be the first exponents of 'cricket a wicket' (an early form of the Dutch game) which were found in a
glacier in the suburbs of the city. And it mocks the famous 'crooked gate game', in which British tribesman of the Boadicea era were found preserved in the sap of a very large tree with bats, pads, gloves, boxes, their own caps and ties with B.C.C. emblazoned on and the Munn and Chapman trophy in their hands. (Now to be seen as a tableau in the Long Room at Lord's).

With a Government heritage grant of £100 million secured it is now possible for members of the public, wives and children to see the preserved bodies of these ancient cricketers on display at the Ley Hill cricket ground every other Saturday, absolutely free (when membership of the club is taken out). The exhibits also tour other grounds on alternating Saturdays for the amusement of other local cricket venues. But what is really weird (and well worth seeing BEFORE you go to the pub) is this. If you look really close; really, really close...they actually appear to move.

Tungsten Weathervane, 10th June 2003